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So here I go talking about death again.  It’s not that I like the subject…I just have been forced to deal with it a lot lately.  It has become a whole new animal to tame since the kids are old enough to talk.  They ask questions.  Questions I think they shouldn’t be asking..

So what are your thoughts on kids and death?  I always thought I’d be the mom that kept things happy and protected them from topics like this until they were older.  But it’s easier said than done.  “Where’s your daddy, mama?” my son said in passing one day.  “He’s….um…gone”.  “Where?”.  “Well, he….”  (I thought in the moment that I couldn’t use the word ‘sick’ because then they would freak out anytime someone got a cold!) “He had to go away.  He would have loved to have met you though (changing subject).  Let’s go look at pictures of him”.  “Why won’t I see him ever” (crap, didn’t work).  “Well it’s hard to explain honey…maybe when you are older and can understand it all a little better I will explain”.  “He’s never coming back?  NEVER?!!”. “No”.  “Why?!”  “Well (deep breath) he died”.  “Did he walk into traffic?”.  “No”.  “Did he jump in the deep end and couldn’t swim?”.  “No”.  “Did he eat too fast?”.  “No, he had cancer”.  “What’s cancer?”.  “It’s uh something bad that gets in your body and fights with the good parts until the good parts can’t fight anymore and give up.”  “He was very sick mama?”  “Yes baby”  “Where is he now and what does it look like?”.  (crap).  “I don’t know what it looks…”  “What does it smell like?  Can he see us?  Has he seen me?  Is he alone?  Who is he with?  Can you have friends when you die?”  “These are all really great questions Raimy.  Hard ones that mama really has to think about because I don’t really know.  Let me get back to you.”  “I’m very sad for you mommy, that you don’t have a daddy.”

From that conversation on it has been all about death.  At least on a daily basis.  I don’t know what to tell a kid in detail because I don’t know myself!!  Since that conversation we’ve had multiple friends pass away.  It was a hard decision, but I took them to two funerals.  I think it actually helped them realize the permanence of death hearing other people tell stories.  Although I could have skipped the moment when Raimy asked my friend who had just lost his mother “Did you know you will NEVER see your mama again?  Ever ever ever?  She is gone FOREVER!  NEVER TO RETURN!!!” at which point I actually said out loud.  “Oh dear God, shut up”….

I spoke at one of my best friends funerals and the night before, I was writing out what I would say.  He woke up at 2am and walked in on me balling.  “What’s wrong mama?”  “I miss my friend really bad.”  “Im sorry mama. Did she go to Kevin’s house?”  “I don’t know what that is baby”  “She did” he said and climbed up on the sofa and snuggled me.  I was being comforted by a 3 year old.  And thinking about it, he was the only thing that could have brought me comfort that night.  I later realized that Kevin’s meant Heaven…. I had never used the word Heaven…

So my point is…having kids has really made me take a good hard look at what I believe.  I realize as I’m answering his questions that I just have these programmed answers that were taught to me.  But do I really believe what I’m saying.  I don’t want to put something into their heads and hearts without knowing for sure that I believe it to be true.  Or just say Heaven, done, cause it’s a simple generic answer.  I don’t want to lie to my kids or hold things back.  They might as well find out now…right?

Which also brings up some ridiculous comparisons.  The whole issue of Santa and the Easter Bunny and all ‘those’ magical things.  It’s lying to your kids….  I feel really weird about that…  Why give credit to this amazing fake thing and work so hard to keep this a secret.  I get the excitement…but can’t we present it a little differently?  “You know how Mickey Mouse is a suit that a guy wears?  He’s not really a giant talking mouse.  But we love to pretend he is!!  That’s like Santa.  It’s based on St Nick, yada yada yada…  We pretend that St Nick is still around and that’s why we fill stockings and do presents.”  Because what we base Santa off of is actually a really cool beautiful story that we could share with them.  Maybe have them join in on the morning surprise for each other?  That wouldn’t ruin Christmas.  But oh wait…”Don’t tell your friends!  Their mothers will kill me”  Oy..what to do.

So how do you deal with your kids on these subjects?  What does your family feel appropriate with?  Any pointers?  Love hearing people’s opinions on child rearing:)  Do you think it’s okay to hold truths from your kids?