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#57

Another one of my top 5 embarrassing moments:)

So soon after I got married, Jonny started working on his “Long Time Coming” album.  He was in the studio with Marti a bunch and I was home getting the new house together.  I often watched Martha Stewart while unpacking and would think “I am so gonna be that kind of wife!”  hahaha.

A friend of mine had told me about this website called My Divas Closet.  You know when girls use the excuse of Halloween to dress like Hoes and have crazy slutty costumes?  My Divas Closet is where they buy them from!  hahaha.  So my butt was on that site and I bought a bunch of street walker ensembles and patiently waited for them to arrive.  Weeks went by.  Now I don’t know about you guys but when I order something and have to wait, the suspense kills me!  When I looked on the porch and saw a box from MDC I ripped that sucker open so fast the cardboard turned to snow like pieces.  One of those hoe bag outfits went straight on my bod.

So here I am full makeup, turquoise and hot pink mesh thing (can’t be put in any category really, dress, lingerie, club wear), hot pink stiletto heels with ankle straps that had dangling butterflies and what I call- Texas blond hair to my butt.  Oh yeah, home alone, cleaning in a playboy outfit, I am the perfect wife…..

(PS- If I still had that body, I’d be dressed like this every moment of everyday….be thankful world the twins came along!! HAHAHAHHAHA)

So a cooking show with Nigella comes on and she talks about making the perfect chicken.  “We all have chicken just sitting in our freezers.  Why don’t you pull it out and make an easy amazing dinner for your family tonight and blow them away.”  I ran to my freezer “What the butt Nigella!!  I DO have chicken in my freezer!!  You know me so well!!”  Oh I’m going to make the ‘perfect chicken’ and my hubs is going to come home to a candle lit meal from his street walking chef wife!

She says to “fill a frying pan with oil.”  Done.  “Wash the chicken.”  Done.  “Wait until the oil is smoking” Done.  In between running from the TV to the kitchen I must have missed the part saying “Dry your wet chicken before placing it into the scalding hot pan.”  “Place the chicken in the pan”  Done.  Except when I did that my pan exploded!  (Yes Yes Yes I KNOW Water and oil don’t mix!!  I was a rookie in the kitchen!  Give me a break!)

When the chaos stopped…..  I looked down to see that my bod was burnt from boobs to cooch.  (Not funny then….In hindsight- now that I’m fine….Frickin hysterical.)  My mesh ‘thing’ had disintegrated and I was left with Texas hair, face full of make up, butt naked with hot pink stilettos.  I stood there not able to move…. in shock.  I hobbled trying not to move my torso because of the pain to get to the phone.  I called Jon.  You know when you are freaking out and you see or hear your man and you instantly lose it!  Like if your trying not to cry and you see them you breakdown like a baby?  That’s what I did!  “I got burnt!  What do I do?  Wahhhhh”  He says “I’m coming now” and hangs up the phone.  I called my mom and told her what had happened.  “You’ll be fine, I’ll head over to look at you though.”  You know when you get burnt the pain gets worse by the minute?  I stood there trying to stay calm until someone arrived but the pain was more than I could handle.  I realized it was really bad.  Really bad… I called 911 “Hi um I don’t need an ambulance.  I just need to know what your supposed to do if you get burnt with hot oil?”  “Put your hand in the freezer”  “It’s actually my whole torso”.  “Lay down NOW”.  Aren’t they supposed to make you feel calm?  NO. This dude starts talking to a third party while I’m listening.  “We have a woman with a hot oil burn to the abdomen and need immediate assistant.  What is your address?”  “I don’t need anyone to come out”  “When you are burnt with oil the burn keeps getting deeper and deeper and could reach your internal organs!  We need to send someone.  What is your address?”  I give him the address and he tells me to lay down and don’t move- try to stay extremely calm.

Extremely calm!!!  I am butt naked in stilettos that I can’t off because I can’t bend down to undo the ankle straps!!!!  I try kicking them off, no go.  Every move is sooo painful!  My bedroom was upstairs and there was no way I’d make it up a flight of stairs- even for clothes.  I go to my coat closet.  And there is one coat on a hanger.  Really?!!  Self, could you not have been responsible and put the coats in the frickin coat closet!!!!???  The one coat hanging there is Jonny’s old Fargo flannel winter padded hunting coat.  I slowly put it on and the length covers half my butt.  Great…..  The doorbell rings!!  If this were a movie I would have looked into the air with a fist held high and yelled “Damn you Nigella Lawson!!!!”

I take a moment of sheer terrorizing embarrassment to open the door.  Standing at the ready are TWO fire trucks FULL of firemen.  Not the ones you see in books when your a kid.  The kind you’d see in a man of the month calendar.  Since when are a WHOLE group of firemen in their early 20’s?  A group moves past me to survey if there is danger and a group stays with me.  “Where is your burn?” one says as they all stand staring.  “We need to see it!” he says.  Slowly while laughing and crying at the same time, I open my coat.  Now I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t wear a bathing suit in front of people and here I am butt naked in front of a crowd.

“Get on the ground now!”  It’s hard to move quickly when you are burnt and in stilettos…words I never before thought I’d use in the same sentence.  So I’m sprawled nude across my marble entryway when I hear more than one siren.  “The ambulances are here”.  “Oh dear God!”  I close my eyes wishing that I am anywhere but here….and open them to reveal a new group of pinups to add to my collection.  “What were you wearing?”  “Does it really matter!” I yell desperate to disappear.  One of the firemen comes from my kitchen with whats left of my net mesh stripper outfit dangling for the world to see on the end of a pen!!  “Were you wearing this?”  “I was trying to make the perfect chicken for my husband!” I say as I burst into tears!  They all try not to laugh…

They put me on a gurney and cover me in the hunting coat……  My neighbor, a loud and small typical “Jewish mama” is already on my driveway and screaming!  With my hot pink wonders peaking out from the bottom of the sheet she is yelling “What happened!!!!!!” and already crying over me as if I’m dead!  “My mom and Jon are heading here.  Can you tell them to meet me at the hospital?”

And we are off….  On the drive the guys try to make me feel better by telling me that I am an amazing wife.  “I wish my fiance would cook in something like that for me.” one says….only to make me feel more and more ridiculous!!!  Jonny had been working and hour away when he jumped in the car to come home and he beat my mom who was fifteen minutes away.  He sped home on the shoulder of the freeway….my hero.

They arrived and I was already gone…they received an ear full from the neighbor and were panicked by the time they met me at the hospital.  After much horribleness at the hospital, I will spare you the grotesque details.  I was released.  Released with my hunting jacket and stilettos!!!  NO JOKE!!!  They put me in a wheel chair and covered me with a blanket and then took it away once I was at the car!!!!  My butt was out!!!!  Only me I tell ya!!!!!  Only me!!

So the moral of the story is:

—Always wear an apron….. even if you are naked underneath it!!!  They were invented for a reason:)

—If you chose to wear stilettos buy the ones without straps in case you need to get them off quickly.

—Never watch just pieces of a cooking show if you are inexperienced in the kitchen.

After many years and a surgery I am as good as new!  I wouldn’t take it back for anything either.  I saw how caring and amazing my hubby is in an emergency.  For months he had to take care of me and was diligent and never complained.  That is love:)

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#56

I have had a few people message me about the heat in Dallas referred to in my last post.  I honestly don’t know how people live in that kind of weather…. unless you were raised in it!

To continue my story from the last blog to drive home the heat point:

When I arrived to be “Singer at Bar”, they put me in black skintight pleather pants and a random top.  It was 500 or more degrees outside and inside, because of filming, the bars air conditioning had to be off!!!  Since I was “Singer at Bar” they needed to show me on stage with not only the ‘stage’ lights but the SET LIGHTS!!!!  I was melting.  I kept saying, “It is very hot, my clothes are going to catch fire!”.  They all laughed….I was serious.  “She needs to spend some time in the south to toughen up!”.  Actually I grew up in Michigan and walked to school in 80 feet of snow you (insert nasty name here)!- is what I should have said.  But this Los Angeles ‘valley girl’ just sat there mute.  I was best friends with the Eagles after all and everyone, by this point, knew it!

The next few hours of me sitting on a twice lit stage, in a hot bar, in the dead of summer in Dallas was not fun!  Plus the ‘she doesn’t know what hot is” comments were frankly ticking me off!  So when I stood up from my barstool, to go with everyone to lunch, and my pleather pants did not stand with me I was vindicated.  I was standing with buttless chaps basically!!  The butt in my pants had melted to the stool and ripped away when I stood up.  “Is it normal for your pants to melt off you?  Is this something this California girl should get used to…to toughen up?”.  Meanwhile my stop sign red butt frying in all it’s glory….

People all of a sudden were nicer.  It wasn’t ‘Oh…Valley Girl” anymore….It was “We need to treat you kindly or we could get sued for not listening Valley Girl”.  Hahahaha.

I still have the buttless pants somewhere in this house.  Again, trying to get rid of crap like that!!  I hoard the most random stuff.  Buttless chaps to the trash!!  Wait…..Said with no teeth- “these are the pants your great Grandma wore when they melted off my hot tuckus!!”  Sadly I WILL be that grandma….on second thought, maybe I will keep the pants:)

Posted on

#55

This is a bit of a long one……………

Back in 2000 I flew to Dallas to work on a film.  Just a few days of work as the ‘singer at the bar’.  You don’t remember this groundbreaking role???  I’m offended!

Anyways, because of nightmare travel complications I had not slept for two days by the time I arrived in Dallas.  I flew in with a small bag and a guitar backpack and arrived to 500 degree weather.  No joke.  At least it felt like that!  So my rental car was a convertible “We left the top down for you because the air conditioning’s here take a while to kick in in this heat.”  Started driving and the open air felt like a hair dryer.  It was painfully hot!  It literally hurt to breath.

Arrived to my hotel and the parking lot was packed.  Walked to the counter and checked in.  Right as I turn around to walk to the elevator I hear screaming and cheering and booing.  The lobby FILLS with people, pushing and shoving and I quickly squeeze through some people  to get into the elevator.  The door is closing when someone screams “hold the elevator!”  I do and 10 ginormous men enter the elevator.  Squashing me in the middle.  Now you guys know me by now….I sometimes (well, most of the time) speak before I think.  Often mid sentence I think “really you idiot, are you really saying this?” and this time was no different.  Woman had to be pulled back by security so that the doors could close.  Feeling 2 feet tall next to these giants, my face was almost smashing the butts in front of me.  That’s how large these guys were!  “OK you’re all freakishly tall and black, you must be basketball players”  Really self!?  Did you really just say that out loud!!!????  They all crane their necks to see the dipshtick that just spoke.  Am I going to be killed?  “Really?” one of them speaks.  ‘Uh…..football?” I sheepishly ask.  They all start cracking up…Phew, not gonna die today.  “Yes we are football players.”  “What are you, blond with guitar on your back, dressed like a hippie? A pop star?”  Hahaha.  I explain I am in town filming.  They tell me they are playing a huge game against the Dallas Cowboys and to be careful “Little white pop Star.”  Yeah!  We are cool.  They are the ballers I am the pop star… No big deal just kickin it for 3 minutes with some NFL meat.

My floor arrives first and I bid them farewell.  Walk to my room and my key doesn’t work.  What a nightmare.  This always happens to me.  Now I have to fight through the insane crowd to get a stupid key card.  I walk back to the elevator and when it opens, they are all inside.  “Hey I’ve just been waiting here until an elevator with you guys on it opened.  I am actually a stalker.”  All of the ballers keys hadn’t worked either.  So on the ride down I learn that they are on a team called the Eagles.  “Sorry, I don’t watch football, but I’m sure you guys are great.”  I learn names and later find out that Donovan McNabb my new best friend is actually really famous!  The elevator doors open and people start screaming and push us.  “There is a lady on the elevator!!!  Stop pushing!!”  Oh best friends, guarding me and all.  I beeline through the crowd to get to the counter.  Get my key.  On the way back to the elevator I am stopped by security and not let into the elevator area.  My key card is not enough to prove that I am a guest of the hotel.  The boys walk by and one of them sees me.  “She’s with us” one says and I am let by.  “who’s that girl?” people say as I’m let past the human shields.

Once on the elevator, the guys tell me that people get really crazy the night before the game and to be careful if I go downstairs and leave the hotel.  We chat a few minutes more.  They are all actually really great guys.  I exit on my floor and am exhausted and longing for a bed.  I get the door open and am greeted with a sauna.  The air conditioning was broken in my room!  I almost cried.  You know that feeling when you haven’t slept and you get loopy and really emotional?  I was past that!  I go in anyway to drop off my things and call the lobby.  They can send up a repair man but it will be a few hours.  I open the window to see which is worse, they both are worse!

I had a friend whom I hadn’t seen in years who lived in Dallas.  I told her I was too tired to hang out when I had landed.   I called her back and asked her to come get me.  About a half an hour later, I head to the lobby to wait for her.  I walk to the elevator and wouldn’t you know, when it opens they are all on there again!  “HAHA.  Really?”  We have a nice chat.  They seem concerned that I am going out to dinner.  “People are getting really rowdy and drunk.  It might not be a good idea.”  They tell me to follow them while they all walk to the hotel lounge to hang out.  “There is an exit door in there and you’ll have an easier time getting out that door than fighting through the lobby.”  We hang out until my friend arrives.  They give me some of their room numbers.  “If you have trouble getting back in, call one of our rooms and we will get security to escort you in”  I run out and meet my friend and we have a wonderful dinner.  The whole city is buzzing about this game and there are fights and cheering all over the streets.  It was actually quite exciting.  I love when a city gets into something together.

We got back to the hotel and she had to drop me off a few blocks away.  I felt like I would pass out from exhaustion if I walked another step.  I made it into the lobby and the crowd was at a stand still.  It was as crowded as a mosh pit and just like a mosh pit, people did not want you cutting your way to the front.  “I am staying at the hotel, excuse me, I need to get to the elevators”.  I get to the front desk and they get take me a back way through the service elevators.  “We are so sorry about the crowds.  Also, we apologise because your air conditioning could not be fixed today.  We are sold out tonight or we would have given you another room.”  “Yeah!” Get to my room.  Holy moly- I’ve never slept in a sauna and I was about to.  I called my mom and told her I was in for the night.  “I met these football players, they are on a team called the Eagles and they are so nice.  I would have had a ton of trouble here in Dallas had I not met them.”  We are chatting when there is a knock at my door.  I answer and “it is some Eagles boys mom, let me call you back”.  I hang up and the guys say “sorry to bother.  Just wanted to make sure you got back safely.  We knew you were here in the city alone and just wanted to check on you.”  They also invite me to the game to sit in the sidelines!  “We leave in the morning and there is a family bus if you’d like to join us”  “thanks for the invite!  I’ve never been to a real football game before.  But I have to work in the morning, good luck, nice to meet you all, yada yada yada”.  Head back into my steam room and jump in the shower.  I come out soaking wet hoping that will make it not so hot and butt naked fall on top of the made bed and crash before my body hit the comforter.  57 hours awake and I instantly went into a DEEEP sleep.

I wake up to a man standing over my splayed nekidness with a flashlight scanning me saying “ma’am ma’am?  Excuse me ma’am?” he pokes me with the flashlight.  I jump up screaming and flail to find something to cover up with.  “I’m sorry!  We thought you were dead, Your mom called, uh we thought the Eagles had raped you, the producer said, uh I’m sorry, I’m sorry, your mom” another male voice says “Let’s go, We are very sorry!”.

What the BUTT!  I grab my phone and have 5000 missed calls from my mother and the producer.  I call my mother and scream at her.  “What is going on!!!!????” “You never called me after those football players came to your door and then you didn’t answer your phone!!  They were knocking at your door for hours!!!  I forced them to walk in and check if you were OK!!”  “I’M EXHAUSTED!!!  I’m going to bed!!!  GOODBYE!!!”.  EMBARRASSING!!!!!!!  The producer calls, “What is going on?  Are you drinking?  Your mother thinks you are hanging out with a football team.  What is really going on?”  “I was hanging out with a football team!” “Look you can be honest with me.  I can’t have someone who is drinking or something else show up on my set tomorrow!”  “What?  I’m tired.  I’m NOT drinking or whatever else you think and YES I WAS hanging out with the Eagles guys!”  “I will pick you up myself in the morning.  Sleep and you will explain while you are lying in the morning.  I will be there at 8 and you better be outside waiting and ready to work” click.

I went back to bed…I am going to beat my mother I thought as I fell back asleep.

I wake up the next morning feeling rested but very angry and VERY hot.  Get dressed and ready to go.  Grab my guitar and head to the elevator and wouldn’t you know who’s in there when it opens.  Yep, the ballers.  But this time they are all in suits and smelling good.  “Wow!  You guys dress up like this to drive to your games?  I never knew that”  If they only knew the staff thought they had murdered me in the middle of the night:)  hahaha.   The producer calls “They won’t let me in the parking lot” “what are you driving?” “A red BMW”.  I tell the security man that’s with the guys that my ride is in a red beamer and is not allowed to drive in.  He messages to the outside guys.  The elevator doors open and people smash us back.  It was pretty scary.  The other elevators had been filled with footballers too.  “Haylie is in the middle of us and she is getting hurt”.  They make a circle around me and some Cowboys fans start heckling and pushing them.  They walk me outside and to the car of the producer.  In the midst of all the pushing, one of the guys had grabbed my guitar and was holding it high in the air.  He put it in the backseat of the convertible.  The producer, who was sure that I was a lying drug addict up until this very second, sat there in shock as the Eagles boys opened my door and all hugged me goodbye.  “Wish you could see your first game today..It’s going to be a good one.”  “I’ll watch it on TV!  Nice to meet you guys”  “Hey be careful with her” one said jokingly threatening to the producer.  “Bye” and security gives us a clear way out.

The car ride to the set was amazing.  I love when someone thinks I am lying only to get proof and feel like an idiot!  He even said “I tried getting tickets and you turned down actually going and sitting with the team?!!”  “I am a professional what can I say?”  

Posted on

#54

“Mom I need some flint air” Raimy said as he was flying around the house tonight.

“What air?”
“FLINT air mom!  You know!  FLINT air!!”
“I don’t know what that is”
“I wanna be like God and make some people!”
“Raimy I don’t know what that is.  I’ve never heard of that.”
“Yes you have mama!  God made man out of flint air”
hahahhaha thin air….
AMAZING