Hello my beauties! So, this is where I usually write an excuse on why I haven’t written in so long and I’m sure I could give you a list a mile long… but who really cares. It’s not like this is a paid job I’m failing to follow through with….aaaaannnddddd I’d probably be late even if it was! Anyways, life happens, we all got one, moving on. I’ll act like I wrote yesterday and that this is just a continuation. Because, like an old friend, my blog and I, we meet up and it’s like not a day has passed.
The picture beginning this post is from my Instagram. If you’re not following me there, please do so! I’m better at keeping life updated in those tiny little square pictures and short descriptions-although I’m aiming to get my main brain dump happening here once again. This picture was taken after reading a ton of accumulated unread messages. Obviously, if you read the caption you already know this. But I was sitting in my pile of waaaay backed up laundry, feeling COMPLETELY and utterly overwhelmed when I stumbled upon these messages . I was feeling crappy, unmotivated and basically frustrated at the conditions in which I had let my surroundings become. Which in my brain is a massive deal. My ‘space’ somehow mandates how I feel about life. If I’m in a clean room I’m killing life. If I’m in a cluttered mess I’m an utter failure and my world is falling apart. This is a funny thing, because I grew up with Betty Crocker Barbie for a mom. She has a gift for being the greatest hostess ever! Everything was always clean and tidy and our house always smelled of an awaiting delicious home cooked meal and baking pie. So my happiness was trained to be connected to a clean and amazing smelling environment. She did it with such ease!
The problem with this is that she didn’t ‘train’ us. Which all homeschool moms know is a MUST part of ‘life’ curriculum. I am a complete disorganized mess but my everything depends on cleanliness. This is a dichotomy for the ages. How to become ‘that mom’. I’m basically a frat boy trying my best to hack together life while at the same time keep 5 kids alive and fed. I’ve come a long way -but dang, it creeps up on you fast if you get lazy!
The timing of finding these letters was great…they really touched me. I was a mess, IN my mess, and all these kind words from strangers totally changed my mood. I sat in my pile reading for who knows how long (let’s be real…probably hiding there for some peace and quiet as well! You know life is rough when you find it relaxing to fold and sort!). In these messages there were a few common threads. One being- why don’t I post pictures of myself. The answer to that is: I am NOT a selfie gal AT ALL. I would be mortified to post a selfie…don’t know why….not downing people who do it….just me even thinking about doing a photo shoot with…me… is embarrassing. I’m usually the one behind the camera and I actually don’t like being in pictures. “You have beautiful children” “You are so blessed” “Your life is amazing” “I look up to you” <—(GULP)
Then one message in particular struck me. It was basically telling me that I had THE perfect life…I was living this person’s ultimate dream! I needed to post more of myself living this *perfect *glamorous* life. The thought crossed my mind “Man, wouldn’t it be great for her to see me now!” Screw it, I’m going to DM this person a picture of me in my perfect life!!! Laughing my butt off, I yelled for my 11 year old daughter, Saylor. After climbing the mountain of clothes she finally reached me. I read her the message and she looked at me, scanned the room and slowly, trying not to, started to crack up. I told her of my idea and because I’m insane most of the time, my poor child didn’t even flinch. As she took this picture I said out loud “I am a glamorous woman” in my old movie star voice! Immediately following the first photo I got a charlie horse from having my leg up and toe pointed. Apparently the way too long 20 seconds pose was a bit too strenuous for me. She continued to take pictures. Thank you my sweet child, I deserved that and will continue to deserve that!
I scanned through my feed at the many ‘perfect’ moms I follow and looked at them a little bit differently after what had just happened. I remembered many times that I had looked at pictures and thought “Wow, they’ve really got life together. How the heck do they all always look so good?” Then I realized a reason I don’t post pictures of myself is because I’m not ‘that’. I don’t blow out my hair and do a full face of make-up everyday. My kids aren’t perfectly dressed and I’m not balancing on spike heels while holding my baby. Are they actually like that on a daily basis? Do those kids have a mom who is actually that patient to let them do messy crafts on their suede sofa?!!
I kept scanning and realized Instagram is like a magazine! Methodically chosen, perfectly filtered pictures. I get it…It’s not bad….I do it too…I mean what idiot is going to post something NOT great for people to see? Uh….hmmmmm….perhaps I’ll be that idiot! My DM suddenly and without much thought turned into a post and off I went. My family and friends get crap like this texted to them on a daily basis and THEY think it’s hilarious. So maybe some mom will see this and find humor in it! Back to my laundry-which I finished the next day btw after continuously running those poor overworked machines 24/7. I recently figured out a follow up system…yes ME…an actual Haylie made system…which requires these littles of mine to put their own clothes away! The last one to get this daily chore done ALSO has to hang Tevi’s clothes. Where has this help been all my life? Oh, right in front of me you say? People contributing to this disaster are actually capable of helping in the process of getting it back to normal?? These are the kinds of things I’m oblivious to! I’m not a ‘natural’ folks.
I have a pretty small profile. At the time I had around 3500 followers. Within an hour I had WAY more likes and comments than I’d ever received. My phone was BLOWING up. My profile grew a ton from that one idiotic post! What the heck? I felt so amazing bringing failure to Instagram! Then the messages… apparently I’m not alone in the overwhelm of momhood. Many of you came along side me- it’s been beautiful. It was a giant hug huddle with strangers over the internet!
I won’t give too many details for her privacy but a new mom with postpartum depression wrote that she was in an extremely dark mindset when she happened upon my post. She said she was overwhelmed with the thought that she would never get this mom thing down. She basically felt horrible she wasn’t immediately transformed into supermom. She truly believed, by how people portray their lives, that this transition should be an easy one. HELLO!!! Maybe I’m in a low percentage of woman but this was NOT the truth for me. I have a feeling from the response from this simple post that I’m not the only one!
Guys, we are all just human beings! Some of us might have more of our crap together but, we all have moments feeling helpless, lost, heartbroken, empty. It might be for a second, it might even be for years. But I’m just here to remind you that no matter where you are…even if you feel you are in the furthest depths, there’s someone looking up to you. Take a second…Someone might be blessed by seeing the failure in you today!
Which brings me to a challenge. (Competitive me has to throw down a challenge. I’m a born gamer in all ways and if you tempt me with a good time I will throw down, leaving all at my feet, bloody and begging for life….Sorry I get sidetracked.) I’m making a new hashtag my peeps. #Blessingyouwithmyfailure. Rules are this: You don’t have to be a mom- you just gotta be human! Is that you? I WANT YOU!!! Be brave and post a picture of yourself rocking it, in whatever your overwhelm is, getting sexy in the most shamefully messy area of your home, take this time to admit a weakness in a certain area and announce it in a frickin ballgown. Be creative and have fun! How do we step out of these parts of us and move forward if they’re hidden little weights? Set yourself free. Put your darkness in the light! You might be surprised at who is affected by your sincerity and openness! I know I was!
In this fake ‘reality’ world, lets bombard them with our beautiful weaknesses and failures! Cause you know what- it IS beautiful! It’s humanity! THIS is reality. THIS is what people feeling worthless while scrolling Instagram, feeling like they’ll never measure up, need to see! Don’t get me wrong… Life does have so many perfect moments but isn’t there always a mess to accompany these moments? That picture of your kid blowing out their candles is a sweet forever remembered moment of perfection. The moment the crowd leaves and the kids go to bed and the disaster this amazingly perfect day made…not perfection!
Even Martha Stewart is whisking her mess away to a back room while multiple people are scrubbing and cleaning. I long to be like my sweet, ex con, Martha. But, to be like Martha Stewart, you have to not only be like her but ALSO all of her staff as well, to pull off the same feats! (This last example just showed my age… who’s the Martha right now? Rachel, Ro, Pioneer Woman? Re-read with the person you want to be like. I think this statement is pretty universal to anyone you look up to as well… Cardi B…No?)
I’m going to feature a ‘beautiful in my disaster’ picture a month. A calendar of real people killing it in real life! Not a whole wall calendar people! Because- get real- I can barely get to a computer to post once a year much less print a calendar!! But I will feature you on my Instagram:) And once I have a full years worth, I’ll do a full post here:) #Blessingyouwithmyfailure. I’m excitedly anxious to see what disasters await!!!
Okerrrrrrrrr!!!! Yassssss!! So glad you’re back in Biznatch! I am wrestling whether or not to ACTUALLY post the photo of my unshaven legs – because even reality has limits in terms of appreciation.. but I will post something. Love this hashtag. And congratulations on the 3500 – that’s actually brand rep worthy. You rock, mama.
Here’s a failure AND unshaven legs: I’ve had chronic back pain for 8+ years so decided to give another chiropractor a try. Well, the last one was come in, adjust, get going. This new place is WAY better (back pain is much improved so far!), but they’re also way more thorough. So I went in for my first appomtment and am told there will be an exam, so I have to take off my clothes and put on a gown. This momma was not expecting that… So the new chiro got a look (and feel) of my neglected hairy legs at my very first appointment at he grabbed one to bend it and see if it caused lower back pain… Definitely NOT gonna post a hairy leg pic…. 😜
It was so good and funny to read this. I’m feeling like failure right now, my life is not put together, but there is some classmates that think I have a perfect mind or something like that, right now I just want to skip life. Thank you for write this, is peaceful to know that live a mess sometimes is normal.
Thank you! Great to read your comment!
Debora (sorry, I don’t know how to put an accent over the “e” on my keypad…), none of us really have it together. I used to read so many blogs that made me feel like I was doing so many things wrong. For a while my husband and I were struggling in so many ways; financially, relationship wise, etc, I felt like I was suffocating and thought I’d never get through it. It’s so worth it to hang in there, even if all you can focus on is the next hour. Hope you’re doing a little better since the date you posted. Hang in there!
Remember Play That The Beatles “IN MY LIFE” On Cover Kids Incorporated