#132

The twins turn 6 tomorrow!!!!  WHAAAAAATTT!!!!???  How did this happen?  So sad so happy so in shock.  So I’m sitting here on the eve of their big day in the front lounge as the bus rolls down the dark road to their birthday location!!!  I know they’ve changed me as a person.  I’m contemplating all the ways and decided to share…

Things that I have learned in the last 6 years:

(If you don’t have kids take notes….this is the stuff you have to look forward to…)

As a mom…:

1.  In the middle of the night while changing your baby’s diaper in bed, your baby will always pee when you take away the dirty diaper and before you put on the clean one, all over your sheets.  You’ll be so tired that you will sleep in it…

2.  Even if you were scared of spiders before kids to the point of screaming profanities and gagging, you will somehow inherit the superhuman ability to, with your own hand mind you, brush one off your child like it’s a piece of dust.

3.  The amount of volume your brain can take in yet still have a legitimate thought is astounding.

4.  Your child will only turn into a psycho beast while in a crowded place where everyone stops and looks at you.  You WILL have moments of being “That Mom” that you you looked down on before having kids.  But at that moment you will have a full circle realization and kinda laugh a little while looking to the sky.  “Good one God, you got me”.  Only to make the stares become even more disgusted.  “SCREW YOU!!!” you’ll scream…no you won’t…but you’ll want to.

5.  If you have over 3 children at least 2 strangers a day will stop your husband and say “You know how that happen’s right?!” while cracking themselves up and you will fake laugh for them every time like you’ve never heard it.  But the responses that you wish you could say help the laugh sound a little more real…

6.  If you have boy/girl twins everyone you pass will ask if they are identical.  “Yeah, uh, except for this one has a penis” is always a great way to keep moving through the mall at a normal speed.

7.  You will learn that it’s best to wear cream colored clothing, they match best with the spit up that will inevitably end up all over you by the end of the day.

8.  In regards to #7 you will learn that carrying a bottle of perfume to spritz yourself with occasionally helps drown out the smell.

9.  There will be a day when your baby has a ‘blowout’…you’ll know what I mean when it happens.  It will only happen while you are holding said baby and even though it gets on your shirt you will continue shopping.  You worked this freakin hard to leave the house, screw it, nothin’s gonna stop you from gettin that Krispy Kream.  (Upon this happening please refer back to #8…..in fact it’s always a good idea to refer back to #8).

10.  The definition of dressing up will plummet DRAMATICALLY!  But don’t worry it will slowly crawl back up after a few years so you can blend in with society yet again.  And even though you know that they are pajama pants…you won’t care enough to care…

11.  Of the body fluids that you will be covered in daily I can’t forget to mention the glorious ‘snot sneeze’.  It will happen with no warning, in your face, while your mouth is open…you’ll flinch but you won’t care.

12,  God forbid anyone ever takes a picture of you while you’re taking a picture of your child.  The expression your face makes when trying to make them smile is hideous.  Fair warning…wish someone would have told me…

13.  There will be a time when there is no bathroom, your kids gotta go and you hover them over the pavement while trying to hide between the car and door.  This takes quite talented multitaking because at the very same time you are in control of the aim and need to avoid not only the car but your shoes legs and clothing.  You will realise in this moment “Maybe I am coordinated”  which who knows, could possibly turn into a newfound love of sports.  Could happen…

That’s all I’ve got for you this glorious evening.  I’m so excited about my babies special day!!!!  I’m going to try to sleep so I’m a chipermunky in the morn…. “Rise and Shine and give God the glory glory” needs to be sung while simultaneously jumping, screaming, rolling and mauling them, right?  My poor children….