#140

Blogs, websites, html oh my!  Just to start this blog back up right, let me be upfront about a few things!  When it comes to anything having to do with a website I have absolutely NO experience.  How I got my old blog migrated here and up and running is a straight up miracle you guys!

Let me try and answer some questions:

To comment (for the time being) you need to click the title of the post which always includes a ‘ #’  and go to the bottom of that posts page.  I also got some comments and messages asking where you guys can follow this blog….hahahha I’d like to know that as well!  If you see something completely wrong about this website, know that slowly but surely mamas trying to figure out how to fix it all!!  I know exactly what I want it to look like and do…getting it to that point though is going to take a bit more time.  So please have patience with me:)

Which is basically a great analogy for my life right now!!  While migrating my old blog to this site I had a chance to look over all my old posts.  Now this is going to sound psychotic but while reading one I thought “Wow, I wish I could be more like that”.  It was as if I was reading someone elses words because man, have I strayed far from what the old me felt at the time.  To see what I’m referring to click here:

#51

I am a straight up styrofoam box yo!!!  How did this happen?  Where did my fall back to styrofoam occur!!???  I’ll tell you what happened!  Dang babies!  You have these amazing little creatures that grow inside of you, that you would literally die for and after they come out you are a blob of goo.  Now, after 3, I was good to go!  I had all the energy in the world and I was a force to be reckoned with.

My My My!  I’m a different person pathetically reading ‘old me’ posts with half sadness at my great fall and weirdly enough being inspired!  hahaha.  “Thanks Self for those words of encouragement..”.  This is why blogging or journaling in any way is so great.  At times you can look back and be like “Hot dang! I was a mess look how far I’ve come..Go me!”.  But you can also find yourself in a valley and feel like your world is stuck and read something you wrote previously, just in a different mindset and it can help you start the journey back to- “I’m made for so much more.  I’m capable of crazy joy!”

These last 2 pregnancies were rough.  I’m just realizing now while the fog is slowly diminishing that I had postpartum depression.  I should have realized with Lilou….but didn’t.  From the time I was 7 months pregnant with her I would cry EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  I was positive I was going to die during childbirth.  I went so far as to write letters to each family member, telling them how much I loved them.  I hid them around the house to be found after I didn’t return from the hospital.  Crazy I know!  I had had HORRIBLE birthing experiences with the previous deliveries (like horror film status) and felt emotionally that if something bad happened again my heart wouldn’t be able to take it.  That insane anxiety just snowballed itself down a steep hill and into PPD.

But eventually it goes away.  You start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  You feel your body slowly coming back up to the surface.  As I started writing my first post back, it felt like a huge inhale after being under water too long.  An outlet…everybody needs one…you need to find that one thing that is your personal sanity.  That thing that feels like throwing up.  HAHAHAHA  Such an attractive comparison but so true.  Being bottled up is horrible.  And even worse if its self imposed!  It’s been years since I’ve written and it’s one of my true loves.  I look back and know that the times where I’ve been the best me I’ve been writing.  Even in times of utter devastation if I could get away and write, the effects would be minimal.  It’s my mini, private, party of one,  vacation.  I have novels I’ve written that no one will ever read.  It’s my therapy.

I have friends who say ‘when I’m angry or sad I run’.  HAHAHA  don’t I wish.  Jonny golfs.  Some people go in their room and scream into their pillow, leave it all on the dance floor, beat the crap out of drums, knit a frickin intricate afghan, swim across a lake.  We all need to find our thing to be the best us and do it.  So this, guys is the extremely long winded way of saying, this is why I am blogging.  I love throwing out my crazy thoughts and sometimes getting a “me too” from a complete stranger.  How awesome to just be humans sitting at a computer and encouraging others.  I love that I can write ‘_______ just happened what the heck should I do?’.  And a bunch of amazing suggestions come my way.  Or writing something and have somebody write you that it helped them…  We are meant to love each other and blogging has made me feel that.  You guys are awesome.  I have the most supportive loving readers and love that I have made friends along the way:)

So, I’m shedding the styrofoam off my heart and mind and s-l-o-w-l-y shedding the styrofoam uniform.  I’m far from the old me at this point but give me a minute and I’ll be writing while adorned in rhinestoned and tasselled pasties and panties!  My tired bod needs a minute to recoup still before giving up my Uggs.  I’ll get there….