#57

Another one of my top 5 embarrassing moments:)

So soon after I got married, Jonny started working on his “Long Time Coming” album.  He was in the studio with Marti a bunch and I was home getting the new house together.  I often watched Martha Stewart while unpacking and would think “I am so gonna be that kind of wife!”  hahaha.

A friend of mine had told me about this website called My Divas Closet.  You know when girls use the excuse of Halloween to dress like Hoes and have crazy slutty costumes?  My Divas Closet is where they buy them from!  hahaha.  So my butt was on that site and I bought a bunch of street walker ensembles and patiently waited for them to arrive.  Weeks went by.  Now I don’t know about you guys but when I order something and have to wait, the suspense kills me!  When I looked on the porch and saw a box from MDC I ripped that sucker open so fast the cardboard turned to snow like pieces.  One of those hoe bag outfits went straight on my bod.

So here I am full makeup, turquoise and hot pink mesh thing (can’t be put in any category really, dress, lingerie, club wear), hot pink stiletto heels with ankle straps that had dangling butterflies and what I call- Texas blond hair to my butt.  Oh yeah, home alone, cleaning in a playboy outfit, I am the perfect wife…..

(PS- If I still had that body, I’d be dressed like this every moment of everyday….be thankful world the twins came along!! HAHAHAHHAHA)

So a cooking show with Nigella comes on and she talks about making the perfect chicken.  “We all have chicken just sitting in our freezers.  Why don’t you pull it out and make an easy amazing dinner for your family tonight and blow them away.”  I ran to my freezer “What the butt Nigella!!  I DO have chicken in my freezer!!  You know me so well!!”  Oh I’m going to make the ‘perfect chicken’ and my hubs is going to come home to a candle lit meal from his street walking chef wife!

She says to “fill a frying pan with oil.”  Done.  “Wash the chicken.”  Done.  “Wait until the oil is smoking” Done.  In between running from the TV to the kitchen I must have missed the part saying “Dry your wet chicken before placing it into the scalding hot pan.”  “Place the chicken in the pan”  Done.  Except when I did that my pan exploded!  (Yes Yes Yes I KNOW Water and oil don’t mix!!  I was a rookie in the kitchen!  Give me a break!)

When the chaos stopped…..  I looked down to see that my bod was burnt from boobs to cooch.  (Not funny then….In hindsight- now that I’m fine….Frickin hysterical.)  My mesh ‘thing’ had disintegrated and I was left with Texas hair, face full of make up, butt naked with hot pink stilettos.  I stood there not able to move…. in shock.  I hobbled trying not to move my torso because of the pain to get to the phone.  I called Jon.  You know when you are freaking out and you see or hear your man and you instantly lose it!  Like if your trying not to cry and you see them you breakdown like a baby?  That’s what I did!  “I got burnt!  What do I do?  Wahhhhh”  He says “I’m coming now” and hangs up the phone.  I called my mom and told her what had happened.  “You’ll be fine, I’ll head over to look at you though.”  You know when you get burnt the pain gets worse by the minute?  I stood there trying to stay calm until someone arrived but the pain was more than I could handle.  I realized it was really bad.  Really bad… I called 911 “Hi um I don’t need an ambulance.  I just need to know what your supposed to do if you get burnt with hot oil?”  “Put your hand in the freezer”  “It’s actually my whole torso”.  “Lay down NOW”.  Aren’t they supposed to make you feel calm?  NO. This dude starts talking to a third party while I’m listening.  “We have a woman with a hot oil burn to the abdomen and need immediate assistant.  What is your address?”  “I don’t need anyone to come out”  “When you are burnt with oil the burn keeps getting deeper and deeper and could reach your internal organs!  We need to send someone.  What is your address?”  I give him the address and he tells me to lay down and don’t move- try to stay extremely calm.

Extremely calm!!!  I am butt naked in stilettos that I can’t off because I can’t bend down to undo the ankle straps!!!!  I try kicking them off, no go.  Every move is sooo painful!  My bedroom was upstairs and there was no way I’d make it up a flight of stairs- even for clothes.  I go to my coat closet.  And there is one coat on a hanger.  Really?!!  Self, could you not have been responsible and put the coats in the frickin coat closet!!!!???  The one coat hanging there is Jonny’s old Fargo flannel winter padded hunting coat.  I slowly put it on and the length covers half my butt.  Great…..  The doorbell rings!!  If this were a movie I would have looked into the air with a fist held high and yelled “Damn you Nigella Lawson!!!!”

I take a moment of sheer terrorizing embarrassment to open the door.  Standing at the ready are TWO fire trucks FULL of firemen.  Not the ones you see in books when your a kid.  The kind you’d see in a man of the month calendar.  Since when are a WHOLE group of firemen in their early 20’s?  A group moves past me to survey if there is danger and a group stays with me.  “Where is your burn?” one says as they all stand staring.  “We need to see it!” he says.  Slowly while laughing and crying at the same time, I open my coat.  Now I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t wear a bathing suit in front of people and here I am butt naked in front of a crowd.

“Get on the ground now!”  It’s hard to move quickly when you are burnt and in stilettos…words I never before thought I’d use in the same sentence.  So I’m sprawled nude across my marble entryway when I hear more than one siren.  “The ambulances are here”.  “Oh dear God!”  I close my eyes wishing that I am anywhere but here….and open them to reveal a new group of pinups to add to my collection.  “What were you wearing?”  “Does it really matter!” I yell desperate to disappear.  One of the firemen comes from my kitchen with whats left of my net mesh stripper outfit dangling for the world to see on the end of a pen!!  “Were you wearing this?”  “I was trying to make the perfect chicken for my husband!” I say as I burst into tears!  They all try not to laugh…

They put me on a gurney and cover me in the hunting coat……  My neighbor, a loud and small typical “Jewish mama” is already on my driveway and screaming!  With my hot pink wonders peaking out from the bottom of the sheet she is yelling “What happened!!!!!!” and already crying over me as if I’m dead!  “My mom and Jon are heading here.  Can you tell them to meet me at the hospital?”

And we are off….  On the drive the guys try to make me feel better by telling me that I am an amazing wife.  “I wish my fiance would cook in something like that for me.” one says….only to make me feel more and more ridiculous!!!  Jonny had been working and hour away when he jumped in the car to come home and he beat my mom who was fifteen minutes away.  He sped home on the shoulder of the freeway….my hero.

They arrived and I was already gone…they received an ear full from the neighbor and were panicked by the time they met me at the hospital.  After much horribleness at the hospital, I will spare you the grotesque details.  I was released.  Released with my hunting jacket and stilettos!!!  NO JOKE!!!  They put me in a wheel chair and covered me with a blanket and then took it away once I was at the car!!!!  My butt was out!!!!  Only me I tell ya!!!!!  Only me!!

So the moral of the story is:

—Always wear an apron….. even if you are naked underneath it!!!  They were invented for a reason:)

—If you chose to wear stilettos buy the ones without straps in case you need to get them off quickly.

—Never watch just pieces of a cooking show if you are inexperienced in the kitchen.

After many years and a surgery I am as good as new!  I wouldn’t take it back for anything either.  I saw how caring and amazing my hubby is in an emergency.  For months he had to take care of me and was diligent and never complained.  That is love:)