So here I go talking about death again. It’s not that I like the subject…I just have been forced to deal with it a lot lately. It has become a whole new animal to tame since the kids are old enough to talk. They ask questions. Questions I think they shouldn’t be asking..
So what are your thoughts on kids and death? I always thought I’d be the mom that kept things happy and protected them from topics like this until they were older. But it’s easier said than done. “Where’s your daddy, mama?” my son said in passing one day. “He’s….um…gone”. “Where?”. “Well, he….” (I thought in the moment that I couldn’t use the word ‘sick’ because then they would freak out anytime someone got a cold!) “He had to go away. He would have loved to have met you though (changing subject). Let’s go look at pictures of him”. “Why won’t I see him ever” (crap, didn’t work). “Well it’s hard to explain honey…maybe when you are older and can understand it all a little better I will explain”. “He’s never coming back? NEVER?!!”. “No”. “Why?!” “Well (deep breath) he died”. “Did he walk into traffic?”. “No”. “Did he jump in the deep end and couldn’t swim?”. “No”. “Did he eat too fast?”. “No, he had cancer”. “What’s cancer?”. “It’s uh something bad that gets in your body and fights with the good parts until the good parts can’t fight anymore and give up.” “He was very sick mama?” “Yes baby” “Where is he now and what does it look like?”. (crap). “I don’t know what it looks…” “What does it smell like? Can he see us? Has he seen me? Is he alone? Who is he with? Can you have friends when you die?” “These are all really great questions Raimy. Hard ones that mama really has to think about because I don’t really know. Let me get back to you.” “I’m very sad for you mommy, that you don’t have a daddy.”
From that conversation on it has been all about death. At least on a daily basis. I don’t know what to tell a kid in detail because I don’t know myself!! Since that conversation we’ve had multiple friends pass away. It was a hard decision, but I took them to two funerals. I think it actually helped them realize the permanence of death hearing other people tell stories. Although I could have skipped the moment when Raimy asked my friend who had just lost his mother “Did you know you will NEVER see your mama again? Ever ever ever? She is gone FOREVER! NEVER TO RETURN!!!” at which point I actually said out loud. “Oh dear God, shut up”….
I spoke at one of my best friends funerals and the night before, I was writing out what I would say. He woke up at 2am and walked in on me balling. “What’s wrong mama?” “I miss my friend really bad.” “Im sorry mama. Did she go to Kevin’s house?” “I don’t know what that is baby” “She did” he said and climbed up on the sofa and snuggled me. I was being comforted by a 3 year old. And thinking about it, he was the only thing that could have brought me comfort that night. I later realized that Kevin’s meant Heaven…. I had never used the word Heaven…
So my point is…having kids has really made me take a good hard look at what I believe. I realize as I’m answering his questions that I just have these programmed answers that were taught to me. But do I really believe what I’m saying. I don’t want to put something into their heads and hearts without knowing for sure that I believe it to be true. Or just say Heaven, done, cause it’s a simple generic answer. I don’t want to lie to my kids or hold things back. They might as well find out now…right?
Which also brings up some ridiculous comparisons. The whole issue of Santa and the Easter Bunny and all ‘those’ magical things. It’s lying to your kids…. I feel really weird about that… Why give credit to this amazing fake thing and work so hard to keep this a secret. I get the excitement…but can’t we present it a little differently? “You know how Mickey Mouse is a suit that a guy wears? He’s not really a giant talking mouse. But we love to pretend he is!! That’s like Santa. It’s based on St Nick, yada yada yada… We pretend that St Nick is still around and that’s why we fill stockings and do presents.” Because what we base Santa off of is actually a really cool beautiful story that we could share with them. Maybe have them join in on the morning surprise for each other? That wouldn’t ruin Christmas. But oh wait…”Don’t tell your friends! Their mothers will kill me” Oy..what to do.
So how do you deal with your kids on these subjects? What does your family feel appropriate with? Any pointers? Love hearing people’s opinions on child rearing:) Do you think it’s okay to hold truths from your kids?
We have a five year old girl and a three year old boy. We believe firmly that we should be open and honest with our kids on these subjects. First regarding Easter bunny and Santa… We do similar to what you mentioned. Explain that there is a reason for these things. There are real stories and legacies that happened in the past and the current traditions have become a little out of control and "off". But we tell about the giving of yourself in service or gifts as token of love. The positive principles that do bot promote lying and secrecy and deception. As far as Easter we don't really go there at all. We don't do sugar so there's not much in that area for us. As far as the resurrection etc we teach them not really about the Commercialised "resurrection" and so on but about the man tHe man Jesus and his life experiences as we can best explain them. We are in a serious changing and learning point these past couple of years as far god and Jesus and the bible etc but that is an entirely different post 🙂
With death, we have tried to be open and honest here as well. Like you, we only have the programme answers that we have heard over time. We have two very close members of the family that were in our lives daily and passed away. One two years ago and one this past march. The first was sudden so it was much harder on everyone. The questions from our oldest started coming straight away. "where is he". "why is everyone crying all the time". "is he coming back". We told he that his body was very sick, much much sicker than we realized and it stopped working. We told her we honestly are not sure where he went. That that was something we were still trying to sort out ourselves. But we hoped he wasn't suffering anymore and that we would oneday get to play with him again. He still comes up from time to time and we just try to go with what we know is right inside until relearn orfeel something different.
The second was my grandfather. He was very old and I'll with demensia. We knew his time was coming. When we kbew it was about a week or so away, we started talking to them about what would happen. I felt it was very important for them to experience this very real part of life so I brought them with me to visit him often at the end. I kne they wouldnt get it fully but I wanted them to hopefully see the changes over the last weeks and days. The day he died I was with him. The kids were with my husband. After his passing he brought the kids to where I was so they could say their goodbyes. I wanted them to see him. To see the change after "he" was gone. It was very evident that they were aware something had changed. They were very respectful and very understanding. In a small child understanding sort of way. We related this death to the other since my uncle, the first close person to pass, still comes into conversation often and it seemed like a good connection to present to them.
As far as not just giving them pregrammed generic answers… We can only give them what we know and believe deep down. I feel for you as your fathers passing is a very very difficult thing to discuss I'm sure. But even if it does bring out very difficult painful emotions it is good for them to experience things that effect so deeply. We want to be real and transparent with our kids. On the other hand we do t need to tramatize them and give them too much for a child to handle. That balance is tough but we as parents need to decide where our own kids are.
Sarah
Ps. Your posts are wonderful. Thank you for sharing them.
Gosh, it sounds like you did a great job of explaining both friends' new journey to Raimy. I think it's important to take an honest approach with details that are age-appropriate and, just as it evolved, led by their own curiosity and ability to process what they're told. I've also tried to be mindful that I want to create a trust with my son that he knows without a doubt that, whatever his questions about life and the world are, his parents are his go-to source, instead of sources that don't jive with our values. I see another important lesson that you taught was that it's ok to show emotion when your heart hurts. Our emotional health needs us to be honest with how we feel; suppressed feelings can be toxic.
You're great and I love your passion for your "bidies".
BTW, please pass along a TY to Jon for sharing his story of salvation that came from the loss of your Dad. I had a similar experience coming out of my step-dad's illness.
Is your Dad's anniversary of passing coming up?
This is something that has come as easy to me as dealing with death has. Sounds weird and overly simplistic, but it's always been put to me as simply a part of life. My parents never sheltered me from death and there wasn't a family funeral I didn't go to. I think that because they portrayed it simply as something that happens with life it was never a huge hurtle to me. We were Christians so it was just assumed we would all meet up again in Heaven.
Even though I'm a huge crier in these moments, I've never understood why we, as Christians, cry at funerals. I always sit there willing myself to not cry for them, I should be crying for those of us still here in this broken world. Not the person who got to go home. Having lost my dad and others close to me, I know this isn't the way it goes. Anyway, I've treated Melanie the same way my parents did me and so far it's working.
When my grandpa past away at the beginning of the year we reminded her of how sick he had been and told her Jesus had come to take him home so he could feel better, but that someday we would see him again. She talked about it and asked questions, but was satisfied with that. Today was my grandpa's birthday and my grandma had a little cake for us to remember him with. Melanie blew out the candles for him and left it at that.
I know every child, and person for that matter, deals with death differently, but this is what has worked for us. I'm sure as she gets older there will be a lot more questions about it and this simple answer might not be enough. But for now, I'm sticking with it. Hope you're able to find the balance you need to answer that very curious boy of yours : )
On the Santa question, one thing I've seen that I really like is teaching children about the history of St. Nick. A friend of mine does not tell her children that Santa is fake (mainly because she doesn't want her kids to be the ones that ruin it for everyone else) but she only has "Santa" bring her children each one gift. The rest of the presents come from mom and dad. I remember one day before she made this decision complaining that she worked hard all year to make money, shopped, bought and wrapped all the gifts and then this Santa guys gets all the credit!. Her children were still really young. They are a bit older now and although they still believe, they don't have this glorified view of Santa. They think it's fun that he brings one gift but they are much more thankful for the large amounts of things their parents get for them and they are not overly obsessed with Santa leading up to Christmas. They also don't use Santa as a bargaining ploy to get their children to behave. I really like this model. They kids still believe and fit in with their friends, don't ruin it for other families but are very grateful for their parents gifts and not overly obsessed with the Santa aspect of Christmas.
I think it's amazing how kids can be so powerful in our own lives, forcing us to really think about what it is we believe and then how we present it to others. I hope that you are able to find a way to explain to them what you believe and help them to understand life better. I unfortunately don't have any words of wisdom here, when my students as me about death I tell them to go home and ask their parents!
I think it's different for each kid and each circumstances. Our family is, unfortunately, accustomed to death in our family. My sister has 8 kids (4 are step) with twins as the youngest. One passed away at 2 1/2 years year after battling cancer for over a year. My sister told them the truth and I think it helped them cope more. There wasn't as many questions and they know they'll get to see her again when they go to Heaven. Fast forward 4 years and now the other twin as a different kind of cancer. This is where it gets complicated because they've equated cancer = death. My sister sat them down and again told them the truth. Satan bad – God good. Kids are so much more accepting of things than we give them credit for. Us adults tend to over analyze everything and they take whatever you say at face value.
Sounds like you're doing an amazing job as a mother. You're actually taking the time to realize your childrens' thoughts and concerns.
Truth. Truth. Truth.
The discernment is when and how much and I've found that varies from child to child.
"I don't know" IS an answer and also often the truth. I follow that with
"What do YOU think?" It encourages them to think and process on their own and shows them I value their thoughts and feelings too.
When they say, "That's not fair" I explain that "Life isn't fair".
I tell them to EXPECT suffering in life. Suffering is inevitable for us all, so the surprised, "why me?" factor can be eliminated and I point them to another who has suffered more profoundly.
Very important, I tell them to FEEL the pain as it comes and not to STUFF it, RUN from it, or NUMB it (so they can carry that learned response into adulthood since our culture screams otherwise). Their is VALUE in their suffering as only in feeling pain themselves, can they be equipped to have sincere compassion for someone else in their anguish. In the midst of pain–answers and solutions are worthless, but there's nothing like hearing the words "I know how you feel". That's the direction I'm leading my kids.
Who cares about Santa and the Easter Bunny? I don't, so they don't.
I have monologue on heaven too, but I've already given my 2 cents for the day!
Thanks for your willingness to hear our opinions!
Connie
Reading all of these posts are helpful for me. My daughter just turned two, so I know some of these questions will be coming up eventually.
I have a lot of nieces and nephews, all but one is older than my daughter. We had to do the death talks with them after my Dad died and then after my brother died. It was easier to explain my Dad's death to the kids when he passed. He had been dealing with illness for a few years before he passed. My sisters and I took care of him our home for the last year and a half he was alive after he had his leg amputated, so all of her kids saw him every day. I lived with my sister and her kids and we had our brother and his kids with us at the time. He died in the middle of the night, and we didn't wake the kids up to go with us to the hospital. When we got home and woke them up, they knew. They were 12, two were 9, and one was 5. One of the 9 year olds asked "Where's my Grandpa? I want my Grandpa!" He was also the one who the night before, right after they were done visiting him, started crying in the elevator. When my brother asked him why he was crying he said "I'm sad for Grandpa, but I stayed strong and didn't cry when I was in there. I wanted him to know I could stay strong for him." We explained to the kids how he and his body were just too tired. We are a Christian family, and they were all in parochial school, so they talked about heaven and seeing him again.
When my brother died not quite 5 years later, those 4 were still sorrowful over why their Grandpa was gone, and then to have their Dad and Uncle die so suddenly was so unbelievable to them. And the circumstances behind his death made it so much more hard for them (he died in Mexico on his honeymoon).It made them all question a lot of things in their faith and what they were taught, and we didn't try to talk them out of that. Honestly, we were all feeling that way. So many questions as to why him, why now, etc. And we never hid those feelings from them.
As for the Santa/Easter Bunny stuff. We don't play into it TOO much. Ava is still really little, so we've always had her presents say from Mom and Dad, like she knew what it said anyways. We do have "Santa" come on Christmas Eve when all the little kids are at my house, but it's a tradition thing. My Grandpa did it, then my Dad, now ever year, we pick one of the guys to do it. We have my Dad's old Santa costume and everything still. He hands one present to each kiddo, but they aren't from him, they are just whatever we grab from under the tree.
I'm very moved by all of these posts.
I know there are a lot of people who read and don't post.
I'm going to be bold and shameless here…don't you all want to bring relief to someone's misery today? Especially a child's?
Let's all go to Haylie's "I dare you to click here" link at the top left corner of this page and donate $5 just $5 if we all did this the goal could be reached in days. You can be anonymous, and it only takes $5 to
MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY TODAY!
Bold and Shameless,
Connie…again.
P.S. I don't know Haylie or any of her family personally, so I take full responsibility for pleading to your hearts! Please join me? I'm going there right now, you'll see me as "anonymous". THANKS!
Are you ready for this?
My daughter walked by and asked me what I was doing. When I told her, she went into her room and brought me her birthday money to give! You'll see her posted as "Birthday Girl".
(the suggested amount is $25 but you can enter what you want, believe me, I know times are tough–just $5!)
I don't have children, so maybe my comments aren't worth much on this subject, but I think explaining why there is a Santa Claus and Easter Bunny is better than just saying they are fake. It's exciting to think there's a fat man delivering some of your gifts at Christmas, haha.
As far as death goes, it's a part of life. I happen to believe it's not the end of life, it's the next phase in an eternal life with our Heavenly Father. We will be resurrected and our bodies will be reunited with our spirits. I believe we will all get to see our loved ones again when we pass on to the next life. Knowing this, it makes death a little less mournful and sad. We are still sad that we can not be with our loved ones right now, but we can all be reunited again.
Everyone- Loving this conversation… All your ideas are great
Connie-Thank you so much! It's so simple to help and can make such a MASSIVE differance. So many problems in this world, we just think, what could I do, how could I make a differance? But if we all chipped in a tiny bit we could actually make a HUGE dent! Thank you for your support
and Birthday Girl- I am so proud of you!! What a special child you are to pass on your gift to a child in need! You must have an amazing mama and daddy:) Thank you thank you!!
My girls are older now and 2 of them off to college this year with the youngest just starting high school, but we had to deal with death early in their lives. My mom died just before my oldest daughter's 3rd birthday. At the funeral, we had little stuffed animals for all of the grand kids, aged 10 months to 6 years old. My mom loved her grand kids and would have wanted them to be a part of the service. Our pastor's wife spoke with the 7 children and explained that Grandmas cuddles and grins and laughs and hugs had gone to heaven but her body was being buried in the grave because she wouldn't need it anymore–she was getting a new body. She then presented them with an animal to remember Grandma by. The only thing we hadn't counted on was that the animals made barking and mewing noises when they were squeezed. During the rest of the service, dogs and cats were heard from every direction. People couldn't keep a straight face. My mom would have loved it! 1 month later, my 6 year old niece decided that if grandma's cuddles and hugs and laughs and grins were in heaven and Grandma had a new body, then Grandma didn't need her dentures anymore! My niece promptly asked for the teeth, then took them to school for show and tell. She explained to her class that these teeth used to be her grandma's but since she had new teeth the dentures were now the prized possession of the proud 6 year old. The teacher nearly fell off her chair laughing and this is still a family favorite tale.
When my dad died 2 years later in a fatal car crash, we again gave the grand kids stuffed animals. My girls still have the animals to this day. It may not have been much, but it helped them have a concrete item to help them with deal with their loss.
We learned how to explain death to very young children, and to give them tools to help them deal with their grief as well.
I believe truth with children is simple. Either you give it or you don't. I think the intuition God has given you for each of your children and what they need guides you. If one can handle one bit of truth, another may not be able to right at that same instant. Or possibly the amount given. It may be the same truth, but said simpler or with less gory details. I also believe kids need to be kids. Their innocence to be as untouched for as long as possible. You can still tell them the truth and accomplish that. Like Raimey's "Kevin's House." I also believe children understand more we give them credit for and should never be patronized. If they want to believe in magic and imagination, it is appropriate to allow that if you don't see harm in it or it doesn't go against the belief system you want to instill. Every child has a developmental stage of learning the difference between fantasy and reality anyhow. How we nurture that is up to us as parents. Again, I believe in using out instincts to fit our child and their individual needs. Like with everything we give to our children, it should be with a healthy balance. And trusting them to lead us sometimes when we don't know, is a-ok. Just my thoughts on it all.